QUESTION 13: "But, how can you tell if you're in love with someone or if it's just
unconditional love ?" --Holly Eberhart.
ANSWER: Real good question.
How does one distinguish between being in love with someone as opposed to
unconditional love? Well, to begin with, unconditional love is not
"just" unconditional love as if it were inferior to being in love
with someone. It is the greatest and deepest kind of love. Many rivers cannot
quench this flame of love. For it is God like love and eternal in nature. It is
the chiefest and most powerful level of love. Yet, it is a kind of love that is
impossible for man to obtain completely. More about that later. Let's first
consider being in love and then we will look at unconditional love.
UNDERSTANDING
BEING IN LOVE.
Often, when we think about "being in love," we conjure up images
of a romantic scene of a man and woman seated at a table in a classy
restaurant, enjoying a meal together over a glass of wine. Observing the scene,
we can tell by their conversation, laughing, and body language that they are
very much in love. However, what we perceive to be two people in love may not
be necessarily the case. For appearance can be deceiving. "Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous
judgment" (John 7: 24, KJV). Now
God on the other hand, does not see as man sees. "For the LORD
seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart" (1 Sam. 16: 7, KJV). In order to correctly judge, we need to
understand that being truly in love with someone is an issue of the heart, not
of what we see or understand to be a couple in love. Being in love is much more
than what we see on the surface, when we observe a man and a woman in love. It
is much more than a state of mind, it is a state of heart. It is that emotional
response someone gives us, when we feel something for him or her. Such love is
akin to unconditional love, for we choose to love that person despite their
shortcomings.
However, though being in love helps us to overcome obstacles in our path
and accept the faults and undesirable traits of the one we are in love with,
and gives us the strength of perseverance in the relationship we have with that
person. Still, it has its limits, if it is not anchored in God's divine
unconditional love. Since we are all sinners by natural descent (see Rom. 5:
12), we are bound from time to time to hurt and disappoint those who we are
closes to. Which sometimes causes two people who were otherwise in love to fall
out of love. This usually only happens when the situation in a relationship
becomes intolerable and irreparable for either one or both life partners.
The term "being" in the phrase "being in love" is
defined: "the nature or essence (of a person etc.) (his whole being
revolted); a human being; anything that exists or is imagined." In
essence, it is the emotional state that a man or woman is in, when in love with
someone. However, such love is subject to change, when the condition or
stipulation is not maintained. In other words, staying in a state of being in
love takes work and dedication on the part of both individuals who are in love.
There are laws to follow if one hopes to be successful in maintaining the love
shared between their partner. This of course reveals to us that being in love
is primarily based on conditions that need to be met. At first, it may be based
on feelings, but as love grows between the couple who are in love; it should be
based on much more than feelings or the physical features of the loved one.
Unconditional love is a choice;
whereas being in love is a challenge.
Love is unconditional whenever a person makes a conscious choice to
sacrificially love someone despite all the obstacles and opposition that stands
in the way. This is the highest form of love, it is Christ like love. Now being
in love is more of a challenge to maintain in that both parties need to be
dedicated and be willing to work at remaining in love with the one you love. Falling
in love may not be a choice, but to stay in love is.
UNDERSTANDING
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
Now let's look at what it means to be marked by the necessity of
"Unconditional Love." Even though being in love is to a degree
closely associated with unconditional love; still, it is not unconditional
love. The term "unconditional" means "Not subject to conditions
(her love for her daughter was unconditional)." Whereas
"conditional" is defined, "Dependent; not absolute; containing a
condition or stipulation (a conditional offer). Expressing a condition on which
something depends, e.g. the first clause in if
she wins, we will be rich. Expressing or including a condition." (Oxford
When a person receives Christ as their personal Lord and Savior by faith,
they receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit aids us in being able
to love with the most profoundest kind of unconditional love, God's love. The
Apostle Paul says this about the Holy Spirit's work in instilling God's love in
us, "because the love of God is shed
abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us" (Rom.
5: 5, KJV). When talking about unconditional love, it is easy to get confused
between the human aspect of love as opposed to the divine aspect of love.
Because people, including Christians lump human love and God's love together as
the same type of unconditional love.
They forget that human love tainted by sin is imperfect; whereas God's love
absent of any sin is holy and perfect in its essence. In other words, the human
aspect of unconditional love is really limited and conditional. However, God's
unconditional love is truly unconditional and cannot be measured or limited by
human understanding of how love functions.
CONCLUSION
Now that I have given a background on the topic before us. This now brings
us back to our original question: "But, how can you tell if you're in love
with someone or if it's just unconditional love?" To begin with, I will
tell you what it is not. It cannot be properly judged based solely on outward
appearance. For public displays of affection are seen and recognized as love
between two people. It does not tell us anything about how each individual
truly felt about the other. One needs to inquire about the context and setting
of the situation and the people involved in order to properly determine whether
the love displayed is either love in friendship, love between family members or
love expressed between lovers. Even then, is it unconditional love or being in
love that is expressed between the two people? Now I will tell you what love
is. First, falling in love is the early initial stage that evokes a
powerful emotion in us towards a specific person; second, being in love reveals the
present existing emotional state and attitude of a person's heart towards the
individual that such love is focused on; third, falling out of love is
the ceasing of the state of being in love with someone due to intolerable
circumstances or irreparable problems. As you can see, each of these three
stages of being in love can be understood as being conditional and contingent
on circumstances and the state of the relationship between the couple. Now as
for unconditional love. It can be seen and understood in two ways. First, the human
aspect of unconditional love can be seen in a mother or
father's love for their child. Their love for their child is not determined by
how well the kid behaves, but rather on the child being biologically a part of
both parents. They choose to love the child unconditionally because he or she
is a part of them. However, even this deepest degree of human love fails at
times due to the fact that such unconditional love is marred by sin. Therefore
it is imperfect and conditional; second, there is the divine aspect of unconditional
love. This is the kind of love that originates from God. Such love is
immeasurable and unfathomable. This kind of unconditional love gives one the
ability to love others with the understanding that others will not love you.
So how to tell the difference between whether you are in love with someone,
or if it is unconditional love? This will take time and observation on one's
part. The distinction between the two can be best understood on my part in the
fact that "being in love"
is primarily motivated by one's emotions in how he or she feels about the other
person and is limited by conditions; whereas, "unconditional love" on the other hand is mainly based on
a solid certainty that such love does not change towards the person it is
focused on no matter what the circumstances are. It is unchanging and eternal
in nature and essence. This is how you can tell the difference between the two.
There are three specific Greek words on the word
"love" that come to mind. These words and their meanings are as
follows:
1. agape ---> This
kind of love freely gives without any conditions required. It is a deep,
godlike love that does not erect any fences to keep people out of its sphere of
affection. A love without expectations or demands. A love that even loves
enemies. Unconditional love. (see John 21:15-16 ;
Matt. 22:37-39, Gr. agapas, deeply
love; used of divine love [John 14:21] and of that love which the law demands
[Luke 10:27] C. I. Scofield).
2. eros ---> Known
as romantic, erotic, or sexual desire, love shared between two people (husband
and wife) who love each other. Conditional love. The word is not even used once
in the entire New Testament.[1]
3. phileo ---> A
conditional kind of love based on a fondness, shared interests, affection,
appreciation and shared companionship within the sphere of friendship. (see John 21:15 b, Gr. phileo, am fond. It is a lesser degree of love than agapas. C. I. Scofield).
[1] Unlike
English, in which the word “love” means many different things, the Greek
uses three words to describe the range of meaning that our word “love”
conveys. The first word is eros, from which we get the English word ‘erotic.’
Eros is the word used to express sexual love or the feelings of arousal
that are shared between people who are physically attracted to one another. By
New Testament times, this word had become so debased by the culture that it is
not used even once in the entire New Testament. (www.gotquestions.org; S.
Michael Houdmann).
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